Maybe It’s that I’ve Changed. 

Just thinking…I’ve thought about this a bunch the past few weeks…

I’ve heard some say, “people I thought were my friends have disappeared since the death of my child (or parent or spouse or sibling or friend).” As if it’s all the fault of those other people. “They don’t care about me and my pain. They don’t call or invite me out any more because they are jerks.”

Here’s the thing: We are not who we were; we are changed.

I am not who I was; I am changed. I’m not defined by my grief, but I am forever changed by the loss of those I love – my parents, my in-laws, then my son. And in the past three years, a few dear friends to addiction, accidents, and cancer. The death of someone you care about impacts you in ways you cannot immediately understand.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s not that friends disappeared because they don’t care about me or because they are jerks…maybe it’s that I’ve changed. I’m not the me they liked and spent time with any more. I’m different. Maybe they don’t like the me I am now.

Maybe I was filling my life, my time, my mind with trivial things because thinking about…or doing anything about…the major things in my life was just too hard. Now I know I’m not promised tomorrow. I want to take care of the important things today.

I’m not saying the people were trivial, people were not – are not ever – fillers. People matter; people are never trivial. 

I’m saying things I spent time and energy thinking and talking about were fillers. I spent my time and energy on things and ideas and thoughts that were trivial, that don’t really matter.

The things I chatted about…daily minutia of life, tv shows, workouts, the latest homeschool activities, politics, the best place for a manicure…things that won’t matter a hundred years from, or even two years from now…

The things I got upset about…clothes on the floor, dirty dishes, teenagers with mouths, kids getting home late, my husband getting home late…their behavior rather than their hearts…

The things I spent time thinking about…the jerk that cut me off, my dream house, what I should’ve said when that gal said something ugly, other things I won’t mention…things that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, excellent or praiseworthy …..

Maybe these trivial things were important to me, maybe I spent time and energy on them, because I didn’t want to think about or do anything about the truly important things — things like my attitude, my anger, my resentments, my thoughts, my sin.

I didn’t want to think about or deal with my own sin, in part, because I knew I could always deal with it tomorrow. And I didn’t want to think about those things because dealing with sin is hard and painful. I put off the hard, painful things until tomorrow.

Tomorrow I could repent. Tomorrow I could work on changing my thought life, my attitude, the way I spoke to my kids or husband, the way I judged others, the way I gossiped, or spoke out of turn…tomorrow.

I spent time and energy on things that weren’t really important.

But now….Now I know tomorrow may not come.

Maybe now those things we used to talk about, the things we seemed to have in common, don’t hold my attention.

Maybe now those things, don’t seem to matter to me in comparison to eternity…

Maybe now I know I may not have tomorrow to repent of my own sin, to ask forgiveness, to change my thoughts and behavior.

Maybe now I think about Heaven and eternity because people I love are already experiencing it.

Maybe it’s not that those people whom I spent time with, talked about trivial things with, gossiped with, debated politics with…maybe it’s not that they abandoned me but that I’ve changed, what matters to me has changed radically!

Maybe it’s that I don’t want to waste one minute chatting about trivial things when lives are at stake, lives are hanging in the balance, people are living in hell on this earth and I have experienced freedom in Christ!

The death of my son and others has changed me. Maybe those gals who don’t call or come around don’t like the changes in me. 

Maybe the change in me is a very good thing.


change, friendship, Grief, Recovery


I write about my life, my journey, my family, and my faith. I am wife to one, mom to seven with one in heaven, and grandmother to many. I am also full-time caregiver to my stepmom E who suffers from dementia due to Alzheimer’s. In my spare time I like to read, travel, crochet, bike, and play with our black pug Molly.

Comments (15)

  • I lost my 24 year old son in a car accident on May 15 of this year, and I do not feel like the same person at all. I even look in the mirror and look differently to myself if that makes sense. Your book and your posts have been very helpful to me during this very dark time. You are so right….all of those little trivial things that I worried about before just do not matter. I find myself having to walk away from the girls I work with when they start chatting about some of these little things that just don’t matter to me anymore, and of course they have a right to chit chat about such things. I hope the changed me is a better me. Please keep sharing..thank you!

  • When a major event in our lives happen, we change. They don’t. The old friends may not like the new you so they go away. Sometimes, we need to push them away because they want us to be like we were.

  • You’re right Kathleen-I’m different now and that is the largest contributor to any distance between those I used to feel were friends and the ones close to me now.

  • I can say since the loss of my son, I have “lost” friends, or so called friends. They don’t want to hear my discussion on my son’s strong faith and that I know where he is. I am at peace with where he is because he loved Jesus. That is not a topic most people want to discuss. So those friends have fallen away and I now have new friends who will discuss Heaven and the reality of what is to come.

    • Many don’t want to discuss eternity. If we think about it, and Who is in control, we must face our own reality, our condition – saved or lost. When we come face to face with who God is, we must make a choice . This is uncomfortable for many.

  • I very much agree. I’ve never lost a child, and God knows how I pray over the safety and health of my daughter and granddaughter daily – but I’ve lost both parents, a brother and my husband. And I’ve finally figured out that most people do not know how to relate to what comes so naturally to me now – trivial things that my coworkers harangue over don’t even phase me now. It has now become a lonely place to be for an entirely different reason. But a place I’d rather be than worrying over the he said/she saids. I get caught up in life and many times do not get back to reading blogs for quite a while – but yours is one that I never forget. Your outlook on life, from the unthinkable pain you’re surviving through, plants seeds of hope and survival in the lives of your readers. Thanks you.

  • You gave me something to think about. I’ve never seen it that way before and have felt hurt by others for not keeping in touch with me. Maybe it was partly me.

    • Carole,

      This past week I was thinking about those I used to spend time with. Some have faced challenges of their own since The Accident. I did reach out to them. I used my pain as an excuse. I’m changing that today.

  • All very good thoughts. Change through life is inevitable. Sometime for the good and sometimes not, but in the end: we all must accept those life changing moments. I, too, have changed and hoping it’s all been for the better.
    Thank you your heartfelt post! Truly enjoyed it!😃

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