Tag: repentance

What to do when you mess up. Parenting.

Past Mistakes

A friend asked, “What do you do? I mean with all the regrets, the mistakes? What do you do when you look back and see how much you messed up?”

I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve messed up often. In marriage. In parenting. In social situations. At church. At work. Maybe that’s why she asked me; she’s seen me mess up many times.

Once I forgot to make a wire transfer which resulted in my employer paying close to $5,000 in interest and fees. My boss’s response? “On a $125,000,000 account, that’s immaterial. You won’t forget again, will you?” He smiled kindly and said, “it’s okay. Go back to work. You are valuable here. One error won’t change that.” I never did make that mistake again. Nor have I forgotten it.

Not all my mistakes were immaterial.

And they weren’t all mistakes. Some were sin.

So, what do I do when I look back and see how much I’ve messed up? What do I do when I am grieved by my own behavior? When I am grieved by my sin?

1. I confess my sin.

Not everything was sin. But I must confess that which is sin as sin.

All sin is ultimately against God. When I sin, to be forgiven and cleansed, I must confess my sin to God. And often I have to confess to the person I hurt I hurt as well, but I’ll get to that in a moment. When I do confess, He forgives me.

(If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. 1 John 1:8-10)

2. I accept forgiveness from God, forgiveness He freely gives to those who ask.

God’s Word tells us He will forgive us when we confess our sin. He will. Not He might. God will forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness when I confess my sin.

I must accept His forgiveness. I must accept that I am truly forgiven and cleansed. My sin has been removed from me as far as the East is from the West. I must believe and act upon this truth rather than beat myself up or walk in shame over my confessed sin. To do otherwise is placing myself above Him, saying He doesn’t really know what is best, that Jesus’ death wasn’t enough.

Once I am forgiven, I do not entertain shame or feelings of condemnation. In Christ I am no longer condemned. I may face consequences of my sin, yet I am forgiven.

(Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1)

3. I make amends to others whenever possible.

Making amends involves apologizing and asking forgiveness, confessing that what I did was wrong. It requires honestly identifying how I was wrong and doing what I can to make it right.

But making amends is more than just saying, “I’m sorry.” It involves doing what I can to make up for what I did that hurt someone else. If I owe someone money, I pay them. If I failed to uphold an obligation, I offer to do something else for that person.

Some mistakes cannot be undone; I can’t go back and be a better mom to my kids. But I can (and did) confess my sin, ask forgiveness, and I can be a better mom from now on. This is called a “living amends.”

Sometimes it’s not possible to make amends. Sometimes the other party is not willing. Sometimes I’ve lost touch with the person I hurt. But when I can, I must make amends.

4. I accept that I did the best I could at the time.

Yes, God always provides a way out of temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13) and I did not take the way out; I sinned. I accept that. (By the way, acceptance in not the same as approval. I can accept what is without approving of my wrong thinking or behavior.)

Knowing, too, that nothing happens that doesn’t go through the loving hands of my Father, I accept my failings and faults even as I work to change. As He conforms me to the image of His Son.

And I know He will use all things for my good and the good of His Body, because He is good. Along the way there may be trials and pain, yet He is still good.

Though I can look back and see my error, my sin, I can look forward, knowing the loving, compassionate God is working in my life and in lives of those around me, my family and my neighbors. He will work all of this together for His glory and our good.

(And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28)

5. I change my way of thinking and living.

Yes, I confess my sin, I accept forgiveness, I make amends, and I accept what happened without condemnation or shame, but I must also change the way I behave towards others. I must change. Or I will go on hurting others, messing up, sinning.

Confessing my sin is not simply saying, “I did _____.” I must come to see my actions, words, and thoughts as contrary to God’s way of thinking, contrary to His commands. Contrary to His command to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love my neighbor as Christ loved me.

I must line up my thinking with His Word. My heart’s desire must be obedience to His Word. And when I change my desires, my way of thinking, I will change my way of living. This is true repentance: a changed heart, a changed mind, a changed way of living, knowing I am loved and forgiven by my Creator.

(From that time Jesus began to preach and say, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” Matthew 4:17)

6. I also pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like the past and the choices of others); the strength to change the things I can (such as my thoughts, speech, and actions); and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve sinned many times. I’ve hurt people I love: my husband, my children, my friends. I’ve hurt people I didn’t like, by being a jerk. By not loving others as Christ loved me.

I’ve had to humble myself and ask forgiveness many times.

I’ve accepted forgiveness and gone back to work, to the good works God prepared in advance for me to do. (Ephesians 2:10)

I’ve tried to make amends where possible.

I’ve accepted that when I mess up and repent I am not condemned, I do not accept shame.

I’ve changed my ways of thinking and am working on changing my behavior.

I’ve prayed The Serenity Prayer many times.

Many of my mistakes I won’t ever forget. Some of my sin I won’t forget. Some of my messes have long-term consequences. I know I am forgiven, and I don’t beat myself over these things, but I won’t forget some things I did or the harm I have done. Remembering my actions and the pain I caused myself and others helps me not do those things again.

That’s what I do when I look back and see all the mistakes I’ve made, when I see my sin. And I thank God for loving us enough to send Jesus to die for our sin, that we might become the righteousness of God.

Foot In Mouth

Also known as sin. 

Recently in a lady’s Bible study, I tried to comment on a particular topic. What I tried to say was relevant to the topic being discussed, but what I said came out all wrong. 

I did not carefully consider my words. I did not plan what I was going to say. I did not consider who else was in the room. I should have. 

It really only takes a few moments to carefully consider my words, yet I didn’t take the time because I didn’t believe I need to do so. (Note to self: you always need to carefully consider your words.)

I offended a couple of gals. I’m not talking about “snowflakes” who need a “safe place.” These are beautiful, young women who are seeking God. What I said was offensive and hurtful to them. 

I had a point. My point was valid and on topic. But I used a wrong example. My example is part of what caused the problem. My example hit a hurt place in these young women. Had I taken a few moments to considering my words, I might not have hurt someone. 

I sinned. 

I could have chosen a different example. Or made my point and let them think of their own example. Better yet, I could have stayed silent and realized they don’t need me to teach them anything because I’m not the leader of this study nor am I their Holy Spirit. And because they are smart, godly women. In this case less would definitely have been more. 

You may be thinking, “So you misspoke. You said something stupid. You made a mistake. That’s not sin!” 

If I had simply misspoken, I could say it was mistake. But no, this was not a mistake. It was sin. Here’s why: God looks at our heart. 

My heart was ugly that day. I sinned. 

You see, my sin was not just what I said. I could have said the perfect thing and it still would have been sin; my heart was wrong and that’s what made my words sin. 

I was trying to teach them something with my comments, not because I love these women and cared for them, but because I saw myself as smarter, wiser, and better equipped to share truth. I wanted to teach them truth, not in love, but out of arrogance. And when I do that, I hurt people. 

When I am arrogant, I sin. Even if I stay home and don’t say a word to another human being, arrogance is sin. 

The Holy Spirit has been showing me the ugly parts of my self lately. And I have some very ugly parts. He loves me and wants to teach me to walk in His ways. God is working to conform me to the image of His Son. This conformation process is painful. 

He is gentle. He let me mess up a few times and gently showed me my sin. But I didn’t listen; I didn’t take it to heart. I didn’t confess my sin and repent. I didn’t think it was big deal. Instead I thought, “I messed up. No big deal. I’ll do better next time,” But I didn’t do better; I got hard-hearted and more arrogant. 

There are things I should have done:

  • I should have confessed my sin to God and to Ron or a sister in Christ. 
  • I should have called it sin instead of a mistake. 
  • I should not have blown it off; I should have spent time in seeking God’s view on the issue. 
  • I should have made ammends the first time I spoke weeks ago when my heart first took a turn towards arrogance (again) and began to harden. (Yes, I’ve dealt with this before. I mean the first instance this time.) 
  • I should have gone back and meditated on relevant scriptures. 

I know what to do to humble myself. I simply chose to ignore the Holy Spirit and chose not to humble myself. 

Yep. I sinned

I keep reading where Jesus talks of loving one another. In many books and studies as well as in different situations I have seen and heard the passages regarding loving one another the past couple of months. As if there is a message for me in these passages. 

The Holy Spirit seems to be good at this – arranging for a topic to come up again and again in many places to help me get His point. I’m sorry I didn’t listen earlier. I regret that I hardened my heart to His voice. I regret than chose sin. 

You see, it’s not enough that I love God – I must keep His commandments and love His family. If I don’t do these two things, do I really love God?? 

Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15) just a few chapters later He said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:12-14)

My actions that day in the women’s study were not out of love for these women but out of selfish ambition and vain conceit. Not on purpose or with evil intent. Sin comes naturally; we have to choose to walk in the Way of the Spirit. We have to choose to be Holy as He is holy. We have to choose humility, kindness, and love. I did not choose those things so I naturally and without thinking tried to show them all how smart I am. I was not being wise. Or loving. Or kind. 

I sinned

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

James 3:14-17 | ESV

I know better. I know what it looks like when I share out of humility and love for the women in the group. I have done that well in the past. I know what I am supposed to do. And I did not do it this time. I have not been loving people; I have been judging them as less than me. I know what good to do but didn’t do it. 

I sinned. 

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.

James 4:17 | NIV

I was not considering others more important than myself. I was acting out of arrogance and vane conceit. I was acting out of my natural self rather than being led by the Spirit. I was not acting out of humility or compassion. 

I sinned. 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3-4 | NIV

So, what do I do now? Where do I go from here?

I know what I want to do: I want to become a hermit. I want to isolate. I’m embarrassed by my behavior. I want to stay home and mow my property, play with my dogs, and read good books. Alone. Without talking to anyone. It’s seems easier to not mess up, to not sin if I isolate. 

But isolation from the Body is in itself sin!

Isolation is not what God called me to do. He called me to be part of His family, to love His family…my family now. If I am His child through the blood of Christ then other believers are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am part of the family. I must learn to love my brothers and sisters and be an active, loving part of the family. 

So I must repent. I must confess my sin. I must make amends to the head of the Bible study and to the women I offended. 

And I step back for a little while. I step back and learn to walk in humility. I take a backseat. I take time to seek God and to pray. I ask the Holy Spirit to teach me how to love people without completely isolating myself. 

I can’t learn to love His family by isolating. I learn to love them by doing it. And when I mess up – when I sin – I confess it and ask forgiveness. 

I’ll be spending time in prayer and confession. I’ll be working on being kind and compassionate. I’ll be working on listening to others and loving them. 

And I’ll mess up. I’ll sin again. Then I’ll work on making amends and confession again. 

So if you see me out and about and see me not acting in love, will you give me some grace and maybe a reminder. I’m working on me. Or rather, the Holy Spirit is working on me and I’m learning to submit to His teachings. 

Be blessed my friends. 

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