For those who think I am always strong…

For those who think I am always strong, here is a very raw post:

Excuse me if I am rambling. I need prayer. I am struggling tonight.

Our son was killed in a car wreck near Amarillo in August.

This weekend our youngest daughter took her first “big girl road trip” with friends to see the Nutcracker in Amarillo. Andrew was a lead in that show last year.

I have been crying all weekend I think in many ways because the show being this weekend makes me miss him even more. He should be on his way home tonight. But he is no longer here.

And my husband left town for a week today.

Then tonight Margaret decided to stop at a friend’s on the way home. I could not reach her. I was so scared for hours. I tried not to let my mind imagine what might have happened. She apologized when she got home. She just did not think. She is a great kid who rarely does wrong.

And my dishwasher broke tonight!!

I hate being scared. I hate crying. I hate that my kids see me sad like I have been the last few days. I want to trust God. I want to be joyful.

I hate that grief seems to make the little things bigger – like a dishwasher that won’t stop beeping!!!!!

I guess I need to pray, put earplugs in and go to sleep. Thanks for listening.

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