For those of you interested in raw honesty, keep reading. All others, move on to another post.
The past few weeks have been a struggle. My kids have been great. No major problems here. But I have struggled.
Guilt, depression, self-pity. Many of you think you know how we are because you read my blog or see my FB posts. You see smiles and jokes.
Some of that is my life. Praise God, we do have times of joy and laughter.
But… few of you have called or stopped by see for sure how I am. Reality is rarely shown on social media like FB. I am no different: I do not post when I have spent the morning crying or cannot sleep because of the sorrow. I greatly appreciate those who send texts or call just to say hello and how are you? I love the notes and emails. They help.
This grieving thing is not a quick fix. It will not be over soon or easily. I do not have sorrow the way I did the first few weeks, but I will never be the same No one who loses a child ever is.
After Bible Study on Tuesday, I stopped in the FBC Library to chat with Nancy. Her son is a dancer in NY. home school mom. She has loved me well these past few months. She told me I should read “Room of Marvels” by James Bryan Smith. I have read some of his writing; he was in charge of the weekend event Ron & I went to six weeks after the Accident.
James Smith was very close to Rich Mullins. His two year old died just six months after Rich’s death. A year or so later, his mom died. He is familiar with grief. He wrote this book during his journey of healing.
Here is an excerpt from the book. It is a book of fiction. I took the liberty of changing the character’s name for my sake. Try reading this with your name in its place. The main character has struggled in his grief. he has finally reached the point of letting go and crying to God for help. He has relinquished control to God in desperation. He is kneeling at the foot of a blood-stained cross.
“That is not why He died for you, Kathleen. He doesn’t need your service. He died for you because He loves you. He doesn’t need you to do anything at all. Now you are faced with a more difficult task: to let Him love you in the midst of your shame. He did not die to coerce you into service or moral improvement. All He wants…is you.” I stared in silence at the blood-stained wood.
“You must let Him love you as you are, not as you intend to be. Let Him love you as you are, without a single plea for reform. It is all about grace, Kathleen. All of life is grace. We deserve nothing; we are given everything. Until now you have only experienced the drippings of grace. You have longed for the real thing, like longing for the scent of a flower you have never been able to find, or the echo of a tune you have not yet heard, or the news from a country you have never visited. Well, you have found it. Grace is the thing you have been searching for, and it is all around you.”
Thank you, Lord, for Your grace. It is what sustains the weary; it sustains me. I praise You because of who You are, not for what You have or have not done. I choose to let it all go and trust You. Thank you for loving me in my shame, guilt, self-pity and sorrow. Thank you for sending Your Son to die and live again so my son can spend eternity with You. I choose to believe Your Word and to believe that Your joy is my strength. You are my healer, my refuge, my very present help in times of need and sorrow and pain. Amen