The one year anniversary is coming up. Yesterday was the anniversary of the last time some of us saw him in Texas! and got a group photo. Today, the last time two of his siblings saw him. About twelve days after that, the last time I hugged him. A few days after that, the horrible knock on the door at 5:30 am with news that would change me and my world forever: I had become a bereaved parent – my son had been killed.
A feeling of dread has been on me for a few days, but I could not understand why. I didn’t think about the anniversaries coming up so fast until last night. Then it hit like a huge boulder falling on my chest. Ron held me while we cried.
I could lay around on this rainy day and feel sorry for myself. I could retreat into sorrow and self pity for the next month.
But I choose to rejoice that we have rain! I choose to be grateful for the waffle Margaret just made me and the silly video Adam sent me. I choose to be grateful for my loving husband. I choose to be grateful for how much healthier Elizabeth is and that she lives nearby. I choose to be grateful that David is all moved in and ready to start OU and that Peter will be heading that direction in a couple of weeks. I choose to be grateful for Meredith’s joy and her family.
I choose to be grateful for the time we had with Andrew.
I choose to think about – and pray for – others who are struggling this morning like my friend Laura Martin and her family, my friend Keith Pond whose mom passed this weekend, and my friend whose husband has lung cancer at age 37.
I will get up, feed the dogs, do house work, and spend time with the ones I love. I will most likely spend time calling folks who don’t live nearby. I’ll cry a bit. Or a lot. I’ll laugh a bit. I’ll eat, and play, and love. I’ll pray and worship and study The Word. I may even take a road trip.
In short, I will go on living. Because that is what we do. My Heavenly Father chose to let Andrew die; I don’t understand or like it, but I trust that He is good and kind and just and faithful and wise. I know He has a plan. He has me here for a purpose and I will continue to try to live in obedience to His call.
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit– just as you were called to one hope when you were called– one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”
Eph 4:1-6 (NIV)