Now I Know

Tonight I sat dinner with some wonderful ladies. We are at a week long study program. They are godly women. Kind and fun. I love these ladies!!

But one told the story of a car wreck her daughter was is. In detail!!!

Lots of details of how the cars hit, the airbags, how it almost rolled over, and more.

“O the miracle!”
“Angels were taking care of her!”
“So glad she was in a big car!”

More details.

“Prayers of a momma working.”

More details.

I just sat there. Unable to speak or leave.

I pictured the Taurus being hit by a semi. Of Andrew in the front passenger seat. Of Clint in the drivers seat with Julian in the middle. Eric and Amanda in the back with Timothy (the only survivor).

Thoughts going through my head:
“Do I say something?”
“Andrew didn’t get a miracle”
“Yes, I know what happens when a truck hits a car”
“I prayed for my kid, too. I know God heard my prayers. Do they not understand that He doesn’t always do what we want?”
“Why doesn’t she shut up?!”
“Please don’t cry, please don’t cry!!”

Today is 15 months. I don’t track the months or weeks anymore. But as I sat there, I realized what day it is.

I know they do not know my pain. They cannot understand. I am glad they do not understand. I am glad her daughter lived with only a few injuries. I really am glad. I do not wish my pain on those mommas.

And I know I used to say insensitive things as well. I used to tell stories like that. Of how God “was watching out for Adam” when he had a bad wreck or how God “watched over David” in Afghanistan. Stories of how “prayers work”. I used to tell those stories too. I did not understand how God works.

But now I know better. Now I know.

8 thoughts on “Now I Know

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I have been struggling with people who say “just pray hard & have faith” & believe it will work out the way they want it too. You & I both know you can do that, but it doesn’t always work out like we want. I feel like they’re looking at me thinking “You should have prayed harder, or you didn’t have enough faith.” Your words were an encouragement that I’m not alone. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I do not believe my sweet friend did anything wrong. Or at least anything that we haven’t all done at one time or another.

    I am now a different person than before the loss of my son. More sensitive sometimes, yes. But also more eternally minded. I am more aware of mortality and, so, more aware of living fully today. Most things – like being robbed – don’t bother me so much as they used to. “It could be worse. It’s just stuff.”

    I also study scripture more clearly and intently now. We had a few other “crisis” situations prior to Andrew’s death. Those things have really brought me closer to God and closer to my husband the past 2-3 years. I am so grateful for that!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thinking of you tonight. I’m glad you are moving past the insensitivity of others. A death is a death, no matter how it happens. A death brings pain to so many, no matter how the death happens. People need to be more sensitive. I’m glad you moved past that and can have your cry, your memories, and your faith.


  4. I have taken myself out of small group situations at church because of the insensitivity out there. I cannot bear how other Christians judge suicide. Those seemingly unanswered prayers bothered me in the beginning but I realize now that my son is with God. He is safer than he has ever been….and so is Andrew.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Death still scares people. And the thought that thier kid might die or commit suicide is even scarier.

      I’m. glad you have figured out what is safe for you.

      Tonight was just one of those things. A good cry alone and then some laughter with friends. And knowing I am loved by the Creator – and so is Andrew – helps.

      Liked by 1 person

    • We all say stuff without meaning to hurt others. We don’t know what they have gone through.

      God is still on the throne. He still answers prayers. He is near and loving and kind.

      Thank you. His grace is now and always will be sufficient for me. And for you.

      Liked by 1 person

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