Tears in church

It has been almost 18 months since The Accident. Today is exactly 18 months since the last time I watched him perform. Tomorrow marks 18 months since the last time I hugged my son or spoke with him. The last time I saw his smile and heard his laugh. Until I see him in heaven.

Grief is hard. But as times go by, and if we do the next right thing, it becomes easier to deal with. We can heal from the intense grief of losing a child with the help of God.

Church services are still hard. Songs mentioning heaven always bring tears as do songs about the goodness of God. I believe God is good and kind and loving. I cling to that truth! Still, singing about such things causes tears.

Some Sundays only a few tears escape and run down my cheek. Other Sundays, they come in a flood. It is rare that I make it through a service without tears.

I don’t know why.

Perhaps it is just that my emotions are still tender. Perhaps they always will be, like a wound that heals but leaves a sensitive scar.

I have learned to accept that the tears will come. I keep tissues with me. I sit with people who are not uncomfortable with my tears.

My tears don’t mean I am sad. They mean I remember. I always will remember.

Read Part Two

 

22 thoughts on “Tears in church

  1. Pingback: February Favorites # 13: Tears in church | kathleenbduncan

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  3. For me just the thought of going to church makes me ill. I have “started” to go several times over the last 5 years since I lost my son Devon. He was 16 years old. Going to church for me has always been an emotional thing because worship is very personal for me. Now the thought of sitting in a church pew with everyone “looking” at me as I try to sing a hymn about Heaven or joy or God’s love is very very scary. I know that I will cry and I can’t seem find the courage to go back. Although I know that I should be in church and more importantly my children should be in church I can’t seem to actually go through with it. I always back out at the last minute as I do with a lot of other things. Before losing my son I would always think of my parents who have both been gone for over 20 years. Now all I can think of is Devon. I wonder if I will ever have the courage to go back? Thank you for your post and your complete honesty. At least I know I am not going crazy.

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  7. Kathleen, I still struggle 7 yrs after my niece died when certain songs are sung at church. Last Sunday one such song was played and for the first time I didn’t cry. It wasn’t that I tried not to. I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel if it had been my own child I was grieving over. Hugs. Good on you for allowing grief to come and go at its own pace. I believe I’ll see my niece in heaven. She had been prayed for by me and by my friends during her tumultuous teens.

    Blessings ~ Wendy ❀

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  8. Pingback: Tears in church, part two | kathleenduncan

  9. Me, too. I heard something this weekend from a mom that lost her boys in a tornado. She said, “To them, and to God, their days are 1 to our 2000. They are with Jesus and they say, ‘I miss my mom. When will I see her? And, Jesus says, ‘tomorrow!'” That is beautiful. God is so good. ❤️ till then

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  10. I can’t imagine the pain because I haven’t felt it. I can’t imagine the fight with memories because my kids still live. What I know is that you are gracious, honest, precious and loved. I feel honored then as I do now to call you friend. I always think with great fondness of you and you family. You are living authentically. He is glorified!

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  11. Mrs. Duncan,

    You are such a strong and inspirational woman. I look up to you for so many reasons, one of them being that you have come through this with such a strong faith and belief in God, in a time that so many would run from Him. I fully believe that tears are a good thing; you have so many wonderful memories with such a wonderful son, and crying just means that you are truly holding onto to those and remembering them. I cannot express how much I wish this had not happened, but I also cannot tell you how inspired I am by the strength you seem to possess through it all.

    Lovingly,
    Megan

    Liked by 1 person

    • Megan. My sweet cheesecake-baking friend! I miss seeing you around WF. Thanks for being my kid’s friend.

      As you learn and grow, may you find a deep faith that sustains you. Christ is the only One worthy of our trust and faith. All others will fail us at times. But we can endure when we walk with Him.

      Come see me sometime.

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  12. Of course you will always remember. I think tears are good. They provide a little bit of release and without that release, it would be so overwhelming. Tears are good. Even just a few tiny ones.

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