A gal commented on something I posted yesterday.
She was trying to tell me that I cannot really be okay, not yet. She was responding to my articles “Healing” and “Dream”. She said I might be okay…some day. But I cannot be okay yet. Some day I will “wake up” and realize that I was not actually okay, but was in a sleep-like state for years. I would see that I had not really been functioning or living. This sleep will be God’s way of protecting me from all the pain. She knows. This is what she experienced. She was in a sleep-like state in her grief. She “woke up” seven years after her son’s death. She said she prays that I have more “sleep” and rest.
I don’t know her family well. I don’t know all that she experienced. I don’t know what it was like for her as her ten year old son died of cancer. I do not know her grief journey. I am sorry she had to walk that path.
I do know my family. I do know my experiences in the months before and since The Accident. I do know what it was like to have my twenty year old son killed in a car wreck. I do know what my grief journey has been. I wish I did not have to walk this path.
I responded to her comments that I believe I am awake and living now. I do not want to “sleep” through the years. I see my grief differently than she described hers. She was offended.
I am not saying I am better than she is. I am not saying I am better than you are. In saying I have experienced healing, I am simply saying that I am better than I was a year or two years ago. I am recovering.
Am I done? Have I arrived? No. I have a way to go on my grief journey. I know that. My healing is progressive; it will continue over time. I know I will still have hard days, but I believe those hard days will continue to become less hard and less frequent as I choose to do the rights things for my soul care. I know I will have times that I struggle, but I can continue to recover. I hope that five years from now I will look back and see that I have continued to experience recovery and healing. I hope I will see how far I have come.
As I continue to experience healing in Christ, I live. I live an eternal life that begins today. I laugh. I have joy. I love watching my grandsons grow. I enjoy seeing my adult children becoming what God designed them to be. I spend time with friends and loved ones. My husband and I have adventures.
Even when the day starts out hard, like it did yesterday when I woke from an ugly dream, I can have a great day. I spent time dealing my grief then I talked with a couple of my kids. I took care of some paperwork. I got a manicure. My friend Jean brought me a plate of hot brownies which I ate while reading a good book. Does it get any better than that? Is that sleeping? I don’t think so.
May I submit to you that my experience may be very different than yours?
Even if we are both bereaved moms who believe in Jesus Christ. Even if we both have a house full of children. Even if we both have amazing husbands to love us and help us. Even if we have very similar lifestyles. Our grief journeys will be unique.
Our children were unique. Their lives were unique. Their deaths were unique. We are each unique. And our grief is unique.
One parent may seem to heal quickly. Others of us may seem to take longer. Our “healing” may look very different. I write publicly about my grief. Another parent may be more private. I have one friend who started running with her husband after their son’s death. They now run marathons! I didn’t do that. Not yet anyway.
This gal from yesterday asked me to consider that maybe I don’t know what it will look like seven years out. Maybe I am asleep and don’t know it. Maybe I will wake up in five years to discover that I have not been living.
Maybe. Maybe all that I do is really just a dream. But I doubt it.
I do not know what tomorrow will hold. The Accident taught me that truth in a very clear way. I have no idea what my journey will look like in five years or ten.
What I do know is that I love my life now. I am living today. I am making memories and loving those around me. I choose life. I choose forgiveness. I choose joy. I choose Christ.