Darkness

“Hello Darkness, my old friend.
I’ve come to talk with you again.”

Darkness
All around
Loneliness
Fog
Heaviness
Confusion

I hear the venom spewing at me from a twenty-something-year-old,
“I hate you. You are a failure.
It’s all your fault. My addiction, my mental illness.
You ruined my life.
Unworthy! Failure!
I hate you! We all hate you!
You are not loved. You are not lovable.
Hypocrite. No one believes anything you say.
You were manipulative, mean, abusive, controlling.
You still are. We all hate you.
If you had gone away when I was young, we would have been better off.
If you went way now we would be better. All of us.”

The voices in my head pick up the refrain,
“Unworthy. Failure. Unloved. Unlovable. Unwanted. Failure. Failure! FAILURE!
Hide. No one wants you around. No one likes you. No one wants to hear you.”

More voices chime in.
These come from comments and messages.
“Who are you to tell me how to grieve? You, who know nothing!
You are like the parent of a six-month-old telling the mom of a teenager how to parent.
You know nothing. You are nothing.
You are still in shock, numb.
You lie. LIAR!
It doesn’t get better! Grief will kill you.
One day you will see. You will see that this hurts. FOREVER!
You know nothing. You are not worthy to speak to me. To anyone about grief.
No one wants to hear what you have to say.”

The voices in my head pick up the refrain,
“Unworthy. Failure. Unloved. Unlovable. Unwanted. Failure. Failure! FAILURE!
Hide. No one wants you around. No one likes you. No one wants to hear you.”

Darkness all around.
I saw light once. I think.
I’m not sure anymore.
Maybe I was wrong about that, too.
Maybe there is no light.
Maybe it is all a lie.

Maybe…
I am a failure.
I am unloved.
I am unworthy.
I am unwanted.

The voices in my head pick up the refrain,
“Unworthy. Failure. Unloved. Unlovable. Unwanted. Failure. Failure! FAILURE!
Hide. No one wants you around. No one likes you. No one wants to hear from you.”

So I sit alone.
All day.
Alone.
In darkness.
In the daylight, there is no light.
Only darkness.

Hello, Darkness, my old friend.
I’ve come to live in you again.

Lord, help me! Heal me! Hear my cries!

14 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. Kathleen, keep believing, keep writing and keep sharing.
    The truer the story we have to tell is the more the enemy will attack us. The opposition you’re facing is evidence you’re in the right place. “he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.” ~ 1 John 4:4
    I’ve been praying for you each morning.
    I’ve read that memoir type writing can take a lot out of us. And I’m finding it to be true as I begin a recovery one. We need to cling to the Word more than ever and be patient and loving to ourselves.
    Blessings ~ Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes and amen!

      I know that part of the battle these past few weeks has been going over the book…again and again. Reliving those early days has brought up dark feelings. Plus, I have been home while Ron travels without me. I needed to do this, but wish he had been here.

      Yesterday was a better day.

      I told him what was going on with me. Why do I not learn? I know to tell him and run to God at the dark times. But I seem to forget.

      I love your posts! They bring me joy and light.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kathleen, we all forget sometimes. I’ve been in some deep dark places, and I believe it was the prayers of others that helped rescue me from drowning. I’m going to keep you on my prayer list so that your book gets into all the hands God intends it to. He has comforted us so that we can share it with others—bless you for taking the courageous steps to do this. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Why | kathleenbduncan

  3. Kathleen, these are the days that make it so very hard to continue on in this journey of grief. God promises to redeem and restore but the waiting can be long and discouraging. I think that it is just as important to share the darkness as the light…our Savior is mighty BECAUSE He conquered death and darkness. If we deny the need for rescue, we diminish the work of the One Who saved us. Praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Melanie,

      Thank you. That is why I shared this poem.

      Grief is hard. The enemy lies to us. We still go on with life, which involves dealing with our other children and all of their successes and issues.

      Sometimes just acknowledging the darkness helps let the light in.

      My day got better.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Kathleen, I have had times like this, when it felt like the darkness, the weight of the loss of our son was crushing me to death. This is the enemy of your soul trying to take you down further than your loss has taken you! Please don’t stop writing! You are not trying to tell anyone how to grieve, but sharing your experiences, your pain, so far, in this journey, in hopes that other fellow bereaved parents will be helped. I, for one, am helped by your courageous words. I know that your Redeemer, and mine, lives,, as you so often say! It’s not an easy journey- but take heart! Continue on in your important ministry!

    Liked by 1 person

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