In my article Healing, I wrote,
As I look back over those first two years – reading posts, blog articles, and my personal notes – I am struck by how raw my wound was and how excruciating daily living was. I see the pain, the sorrow, and intense grief I experienced in those first months. I see how simple tasks were extremely difficult. I remember how hard it was dealing with the paperwork and the decisions we had to make. And I am in awe that I no longer walk in that pain. I no longer walk in a fog of constant sorrow and grief…My heart is no longer broken. I no longer ache all over. I no longer think of death, dying, grief, and pain much of the time. Yes, there is a void. Yes, there is a scar. Yes, I have experienced loss. But in Christ I have found peace, joy, and strength to go forth and do the next right thing. This is what I mean when I say my broken, shattered heart has been healed by a loving, gracious, living God.
I have written in other places that the early days were full of sadness, sorrow, and grief with only glimpses of joy and peace, but most days are now full of peace, joy, and strength with only moments of sorrow and grief. I laugh a lot. I have a wonderful life.
However, there are difficult times still. Grief hits hard at times. As I was going to bed last night, grief hit me. And I don’t know why.
It’s been a great week! We’ve gotten work done around the property that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I got to play with my front end loader and got a big pile of dirt moved. The weather is lovely. We had a fun time with friends from church over the weekend. I’m feeling good and sleeping well.
I don’t know why it hit me last night. I don’t know why I got all teary-eyed. But I did. I cried. Last night I wrote,
I miss him. This time of year especially. Nutcracker. Recitals. His friends heading home from college. His birthday.
He would have been finishing his second degree this month. Accounting degree completed last year. Dance degree completed this year. Then off to a new career. Instead he’s not been here for more than two years.
I miss his smile. His stories. His laugh. His hugs. I miss my kid.
Good night all.
This morning, I woke feeling sorrowful, and I was in tears. I had a very vivid dream in which I hugged Andrew and wept. He was so alive and loving. He listened to me patiently as I told him so many things. I wrote,
First time in a very long time I went to bed in tears and woke in tears thinking about my son. I had a dream where Andrew came to see me. And right there (wherever there was – looked like a sidewalk cafe) he hugged me and told me he loved me. And I cried and told him all the things I loved about him and thanked him for all the wonderful things he had brought to my life. I cried while you people walked by just looking at me sobbing and talking to my son.
So I seemed to have cried in my sleep as well.
Yep I am sporting puffy, red, bloodshot eyes that seem to have sprung a major leak. Good thing I know what is causing these chest pains this morning.
In my dream, he was smiling at me as I spoke, a smile that showed he loved me. He also seemed to be saying, “Mom, I love you, too, but I have someplace else I need to be. I have important things to do.”
I don’t believe he is an angel. I don’t believe he watches over or protects me. I don’t believe in spirit visitations. I don’t believe it was a sign from Andrew that needs to be interpreted. I had a dream. That’s all. Many things have caused me to think about him more than usual lately and that showed up in my dreams.
But I do wonder…what do our loved ones in Heaven know about what goes on down here? Do they pray for us, hear us, or see us? Does God allow them to look at what’s happening here? If so, I think they see things perfectly. By perfectly I mean they see with spirit eyes and from a completely different view than we do. They are living eternally and see things from a clearer, eternal perspective.
Meanwhile, on planet earth, I’m missing my kid today.
I’ll get up, do some things around the house, feed the dogs, and read a good book. I may go for a walk or call a friend. I’ll be okay. But I miss my kid.