Two years ago I wrote:
Twice in the last week I have started tearing up just as I got in bed. Fine all day long, then weepy at bedtime.
I told Ron, “I’m sorry I started this just as we go to bed.”
His response: perhaps it’s because this is a safe place for you to cry.
I am so blessed to have this man as my husband. He loves me well. And holds me when I cry.
I also posted:
One year ago today that Evelyn (Andrew’s grandmother) and I drove to Canyon to see TEXAS Musical Drama. He LOVED that show and LOVED the people in it. He LOVED dancing.
I miss him everyday.
One day closer to the great reunion in Heaven.
Will you join us there some day? Will you follow Christ on earth and live with Him in eternity? I pray you will. Eternal life can begin today, here on earth. Choose Life, choose eternal life in Christ.
It’s been three years since I saw my son perform on stage. Tomorrow marks three years since I hugged him, fed him a huge breakfast with his grandmother, took him grocery shopping, then drove away not knowing I’d never see him alive on this earth.
That first year was hard. The second was harder in some ways; the numbness had worn off and reality set in.
I can honestly say that it’s gotten easier to bear over time, this loss. Tears are rare. Joy and laughter are frequent. I cherish memories of Andrew.
I got here by working through the grief, feeling every bit of the sorrow, pain, fear, anger, and loss. I didn’t drink or drug* or sleep it away. I went through the hard stuff, not around it. I felt the pain. I sobbed. I talked to my husband, friends, and a counselor. I journaled. My journal was in the form of a blog.
I have wonderful friends who encouraged me to stay living. They listened, took me walking and cycling, and kept asking me to do things even when I usually said no. Most importantly, they prayed for me.
Yes, I miss my six-foot tall kid who could trip on his own shadow and yet dance like he was spinning on clouds. His laughter could fill the whole house and his hugs filled my heart. He made me feel like a good mom. He was a great guy.
I know he is in the presence of Christ and that I will join him someday. Until then, I have work to do here, work that God prepared in advance for me to do.
If you are just starting your own grief journey, take heart! Trust God. Do the next right thing and it will get better. You can find peace and joy again.
*I did use a sleep aid for six months on the advice of my doctor who knows and loves me well. It helped me get the rest I needed to do the hard work. So don’t take that as a recommendation to avoid all medication or as condemnation if you need medical help getting through your grief. I am referring to drinking in excess or using drugs other than as prescribed.