I’ll Not Celebrate

It's not a date to celebrate.
Yet I can't ignore it.
It's not the official Date of Death. That's tomorrow.
That's what happens when an accident is late at night
and in the middle of nowhere.
They were declared early the next morning.

Today they got in the car.
Rode down the country lane.
Laughing and probably singing.
Six friends crowded into a five-passenger car.
The end of a great day.
A great summer.

Then, the stop sign.
But they didn't stop.
The truck. Big. Fast.
When a large truck going very fast
hits a car full of of fragile humans,
bad things happen.

Today.
Four years later.
I sit.
Alone on the couch.
Heaviness in my heart.

Where are the tears?
They'll come tomorrow.
And maybe tonight.

How do we commemorate this day?

Balloons?
Cake?
A party?

A visit to his grave?

What do we call this day?

An anniversary sounds like something one should celebrate.
I'm not celebrating.
Not this.
Not today.

Friends called.
Others texted.
Still others messaged.
Prayers.
Love.
Encouragement.
They remember.
I'm grateful.

My living children –
A phrase I never thought I'd need!
Who has to differentiate between their "living" children and their "dead" one?
I do.
Too many I know and love do.

My living children called. Or texted. Or both.
One wrote a song about It.
I'm grateful.
I love them.
I'm sorry they know this pain.

Fog.
Rain.
Darkness.
Pain.
Dull, sustained pain.
That permeates my soul.

Yet even in the pain there is peace.
Everlasting
Beautiful
Unexplainable
Peace.

The Prince of Peace.

He's done gentle things in me since that day.
That day and the hard ones that followed.
Beautiful, gentle, real things.
Healing.
Peace.
Hope.
Deeper understanding.
Stronger love.
Simpler forgiveness.

I'm not alone.

There is Light.
All around me.
There is the Light.
I will look to the Light.
I can trust Him.
He will never leave me.
He will comfort me.
He has comforted me.
I'm grateful.

Today I will not celebrate.
I will rest in His peace.

The Accident happened August 12, 2013. They were declared dead at 12:30 am August 13, 2013.

8 thoughts on “I’ll Not Celebrate

  1. Oh my goodness Kathleen. Just so very beautiful. My heart aches for your loss as a momma. But I’m so very blessed to have found your blog and to see how God is using “even this” in a way that only he can to touch lives. Blessings always sister.

    Liked by 1 person

Please tell me what you think about this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s