Missing Him

Yesterday I wrote I think I’m done writing about grief all the time. I no longer want to make Grief the main topic of my thoughts or writing. After reading many comments on my blog, Facebook, and private messages, I want to clarify something.

When our son died I said, “I will grieve his loss until I join him in heaven.” I hurt so badly I didn’t think I would ever be whole again. The pain was physically unbearable. Emotionally tormenting. Spiritually challenging.

Over the next few years, I wrote honestly about my grief.

But by allowing the Holy Spirit to work in me, and by doing the next right thing, I eventually began to heal. The pain subsided. I grew stronger. I wrote about that as well.

Now I think it’s more accurate for me to say, “I grieved deeply that first year. In some ways the second was harder; reality set in, and shock wore off. Now, more than four years later, I no longer grieve constantly. There have been a few days of grief the past few months, especially around the anniversary date, but most of the time I no longer grieve. I simply miss his presence in my life.”

From Webster’s —

Grief: deep sadness caused especially by someone’s death

Grieve: to feel or show grief or sadness

Miss: to discover or feel the absence

By these definitions I do not grieve daily. I am not deeply sad every day. I miss my kid. I miss having him in my life. But the deep sadness of grief is no longer a daily condition.

I feel certain I will always miss not only Andrew, but also my parents, my in-laws, and many others who’ve gone to be with Christ.

Yes, there will be moments and days of grief; I may write about them. But most days are filled with life – cooking, cleaning, mowing, studying, chatting with friends, petting my dogs, reading, lifting weights, cycling, travel, spending time with Ron, my kids, and my grandkids.

I’ll write about these things sometimes. But most times I’ll be living life.

25 thoughts on “Missing Him

  1. I read a book many years ago, after my mom died, that said something along the lines of: the fastest way to get back into the light is to run into the darkness. This was using the analogy of a sun setting. It you chase the sun, you won’t catch it. But if you turn and run into the darkness, the sun will meet you. That image always spoke to me. Instead of fighting against the grieving process, I dove right into, allowing myself to hurt. Your words are an encouragement to so many.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this Kathleen. I’ve been unsure if it’s possible for it to get better…really better. I’m surrounded by moms in pain, moms finding peace in the pain, and moms who are still suffering greatly years and years after their loss. It’s helpful, there is comfort and sanity in shared experiences. I have suspected that some moms heal, but when they do, they disappear from grief circles. No criticism in that at all! I am grateful for the healing in your life and that you are sharing that. Maybe God doesn’t take away the agony for everyone, but it’s hopeful to know that it can happen. That for some (at least) the grief of losing a child can heal with time the way less crushing losses do. It’s so good to have an alternative to the common narrative that the pain of losing a child doesn’t ever go away.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “It never gets better” is a common narrative. I praise God I was surrounded by friend who unfortunately had list children but shared their healing with us. Plus the leaders of While We’re Waiting! These people have a different narrative:

      “It hurts. It hurts like nothing you’ve ever know. And God is huge! He is bigger than your loss! He is full of mercy, grace, steadfast love. He can and will comfort you and heal your broken heart. Will you let Him?”

      I am grateful to have these wonderful people in my life and in my grief.

      I’m humbled to have been used to help comfort others as I have been comforted.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There comes a time when we realize that we can do things we thought we’d never be able to do again. We’ve somehow, someway reached a point where we can move forward and take the memory of our loved ones along with us. We no longer weep when looking at photos, we smile.
    Arriving at that point seems impossible to those who are caught in the midst of grief, and that is why people like you, and me will always empathize with them…to some degree we will always minister to the brokenhearted. We have come through the other side of this thing, but we will probably continue to glance back at it and offer a hand to those coming up behind us.

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  4. You are doing so much for us by reaching this next phase and sharing it with us. From one mama who follows in your footsteps but is just barely a year into this loss, I thank you for giving us hope for a future that is beyond daily grief. That is what our kids and the good Lord wants for us, I’m certain. Thank you and I look forward to reading whatever your heart desires to write in the future.

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  5. Thank you for the blessings.

    Getting here took time, prayer (mine and others’ for me), study of scripture, sleep, tears, grief, and doing the next right thing.

    I pray all my grieving friends can move forward and onward with Christ.


    • Thank you for the blessings.

      Getting here took time, prayer (mine and others’ for me), study of scripture, sleep, tears, grief, and doing the next right thing.

      I pray all my grieving friends can move forward and onward with Christ.


  6. Jacob taught us to enjoy everyday life as if it’s your last and be blessed with everyday you’ve been given. I did feel guilty at first about enjoy life when his was cut short, but I have to keep telling myself that he wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time, he’d want me to be happy and smile – ‘see miracles in life everyday.’ He will still be the last thing on my mind at night before I fall asleep & the first thing when I open my eyes in the morning. I will love & miss him for the rest on mine ♡ till we meet again x

    Liked by 1 person

    • God in His infinite wisdom and mercy has kept me on planet earth while my son is at home with Him. I may not like His ways, but I choose to trust Him and keep living until I die.

      Yes, we seem to feel guilt at times, but it’s the right thing. To live!


  7. Yesterday, I had similar thoughts though I did not blog. I’m ready to turn the focus of my blog from grieving to living. I am still grieving. It has only been 16 months. I’m sure I’ll still write about grief, but I’m feeling in my heart it is time to focus on living again. One is not better than the other. Being where God has you is what is important. Thanks for giving meaning to the words grief, grieve, and missing. Language helps process thoughts.


  8. Thank you for sharing this. It has been 3 and 1/2 years since we lost our daughter, and while not a day goes by when I don’t think of her and hold her close in my heart, it is also true that the pain of grief has lessened. At first, I felt guilty, but now I know that this too is natural. I no longer regret being alive. Instead I live a life that is full of love and adventure for me and for my daughter. Thank you again.

    Liked by 1 person

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