Looking back over my writings the first year after The Accident. I was able to turn towards God and His truth even as I walked through loss.
I’m walking through a different kind of loss now. A different kind of trial. This is hard.
I can’t. I can’t turn towards God and truth. I can’t write about hope. I have nothing left. No faith. No joy. Just exhaustion.
Most nights when I’m here – in a hotel room far from home, fighting for one who cannot fight for herself – by the time I get to my room, I’m just done. I don’t have energy for conversation or anything else. I had trouble concentrating the very few times I’ve tried to work on Bible study. I’m so tired I have trouble sleeping. My emotions are raw and worn.
Tonight is one of those nights. Today has been hard. Very hard.
I can’t think of a single scripture.
I’m too tired to pray. I’m even too exhausted to cry. Or to cry out to God.
So I turned to Psalm 42
As a deer pants for flowing streams,so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”
These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waveshave gone over me.
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
Psalm 42. ESV
I love the last line. It does not say, “Praise Him because you have hope in Him.” The writer says, “Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.”
Sometimes I have to choose hope when I don’t feel it. It’s an act of will. And by choosing hope, I will, one day, be able to praise Him again.
Tomorrow is a new day. We’ll visit. We’ll have lunch. Then I’ll drive ten hours to get home.
Oh, and if you think about it…could you pray for me?