I’m Done

Looking back over my writings the first year after The Accident. I was able to turn towards God and His truth even as I walked through loss.

I’m walking through a different kind of loss now. A different kind of trial. This is hard.

I can’t. I can’t turn towards God and truth. I can’t write about hope. I have nothing left. No faith. No joy. Just exhaustion.

Most nights when I’m here, by the time I get to my room, I’m just done. I don’t have energy for conversation or anything else. I had trouble concentrating the very few times I’ve tried to work on Bible study. I’m so tired I have trouble sleeping. My emotions are raw and worn.

Tonight is one of those nights. Today has been hard. Very hard.

I can’t think of a single scripture.

I’m too tired to pray. I’m even too exhausted to cry. Or to cry out to God.

So I turned to Psalm 42

As a deer pants for flowing streams,so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waveshave gone over me.

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42. ESV

I love the last line. It does not say, “Praise Him because you have hope in Him.” The writer says, “Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.”

Sometimes I have to choose hope when I don’t feel it. It’s an act of will. And by choosing hope, I will, one day, be able to praise Him again.

Tomorrow is a new day. We’ll visit. We’ll have lunch. Then I’ll drive ten hours to get home.

Good night.

Oh, and if you think about it…could you pray for me?

31 thoughts on “I’m Done

  1. Lord, please, oh please continue to wrap this child of yours tightly in your arms as she is not feeling your presence yet she knows you are there. Lord, please, as you know, some of us suffer as the early departure of the children you have entrusted us with; often times we feel the injury deep down in our souls. Miss Kathleen needs to feel more, more of you Lord. Please aid her through this time and other times when the path seems so much bumpier than other times.

    Amen,
    Kathleen

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Praying for you right now. Your book and posts have encouraged me so much since my 20 year old son died last April. Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your heart. You are loved!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kathleen, I so wish I could spend an afternoon with you eating doughnuts and crying sloppily. I feel like you have been a personal cheerleader to me all these months since Hans left us. Yours was one of the first grief books that I read and, while I sometimes would get exasperated with your very positive attitude (my problem-totally, sigh…) your strength and growth encouraged me and gave me the hope I needed at the time to see that a bright future down here was still possible. Thank you for being a God honoring mentor and sweet sister in the Lord. I wish I could do something about your pain in this current situation. The only thing I can think of is to say this: Don’t wait till you are able-stop and praise Him right now. He is worthy, and I know you know that. Please know you are in my prayers. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, Kim! If I could get a plane ticket! Alaska is one of two state ms I haven’t visited. And spending a day or three with you would be glorious!

      I’m so glad my words help others. And that they are willing to lift me up as I go through this trial. Hugs from Texas, the other giant state. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It is ironic that when we open our bibles to Psalm 22 we also see Psalm 23 right across the page from it. The beginnings of these two chapters project an image of the Christian praying out of opposite sides of the same heart. Psalm 23 says:
    “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”
    While directly across from it Psalm 22 says:
    “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
    Both petitions are genuine…neither should be ignored.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kathleen, this is so beautifully expressed. As I read your post, my heart hurt with yours, and a companion passage in the New Testament came to my mind. Romans 8 (all of it) seems to be a perfect compliment to Psalm 42. Particularly verses 26-28. I like how it is paraphrased in The Message.

    “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

    I’m praying for you right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing this. I am right there with you. When my husband first died I was full of faith and hope, but recently, I’ve been going through such a similar stage of darkness. I am in a Revelations Bible Study and often find myself thinking, “Wouldn’t it be nice IF this were true.” I’m not sure what prompted this darkness, but I will pray for us and pray that God will restore faith and hope. I often feel like I shouldn’t share my doubts, but am so grateful that you did.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Camila, I can’t imagine losing my husband. I’m sorry for your pain.

      I’ve seen many whose faith seemed to wane after a few years. For the first few years their faith seemed to soar! Then a period of darkness comes.

      Is it that our friends stopped praying? Maybe they think we are okay now.

      I’m coming to believe we need to share with the Body when we are struggling, so they can lift us up. Of course, we must lift one another up! S9 many times we are told to pray for one another or bear one another’s burdens. Through these trials I’m learning how important this is…and how I’ve failed to do my part in the past.

      As for your thoughts on revelation, here is a post from July. I had similar thoughts.

      https://kathleenbduncan.com/2018/07/19/disappointment/

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Kathleen, I hate that there is no sad face to acknowledge writings on here; only the “like” button. I don’t like this, but I want you to know I read it and I’ll be praying for you. I’m saddened by your present sorrow, whatever may be causing it. Love, hugs and prayers, my sister in Christ.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I felt absolutely hopeless the first 21 months after my son was killed. I’m learning that sometimes choosing to hope in God doesn’t feel anything like hope. It’s sitting in the pain, feeling hopeless, and waiting…for hours, days, weeks, years…to see the Lord again. The waiting part is choosing hope. And some day you’ll look back and know an even deeper grace. You’ll see that Christ was holding and keeping you when you were so broken you had absolutely nothing left. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. 😦 Lord, Kathleen is surrounded by your love. Please give her the strength to choose hope, and help her to feel the comfort of your presence.

    Liked by 1 person

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