Three Years 

Two years ago I wrote:

Twice in the last week I have started tearing up just as I got in bed. Fine all day long, then weepy at bedtime. 

I told Ron, “I’m sorry I started this just as we go to bed.”

His response: perhaps it’s because this is a safe place for you to cry. 

I am so blessed to have this man as my husband. He loves me well. And holds me when I cry.

I also posted:

One year ago today that Evelyn (Andrew’s grandmother) and I drove to Canyon to see TEXAS Musical Drama. He LOVED that show and LOVED the people in it. He LOVED dancing. 

I miss him everyday.  

One day closer to the great reunion in Heaven. 

Will you join us there some day? Will you follow Christ on earth and live with Him in eternity? I pray you will. Eternal life can begin today, here on earth. Choose Life, choose eternal life in Christ.

Andrew. 2013. On the set of TEXAS

It’s been three years since I saw my son perform on stage. Tomorrow marks three years since I hugged him, fed him a huge breakfast with his grandmother, took him grocery shopping, then drove away not knowing I’d never see him alive on this earth. 

That first year was hard. The second was harder in some ways; the numbness had worn off and reality set in. 

I can honestly say that it’s gotten easier to bear over time, this loss. Tears are rare. Joy and laughter are frequent. I cherish memories of Andrew. 

I got here by working through the grief, feeling every bit of the sorrow, pain, fear, anger, and loss. I didn’t drink or drug* or sleep it away. I went through the hard stuff, not around it. I felt the pain. I sobbed. I talked to my husband, friends, and a counselor. I journaled. My journal was in the form of a blog. 

I have wonderful friends who encouraged me to stay living. They listened, took me walking and cycling, and kept asking me to do things even when I usually said no. Most importantly, they prayed for me. 

Yes, I miss my six-foot tall kid who could trip on his own shadow and yet dance like he was spinning on clouds. His laughter could fill the whole house and his hugs filled my heart. He made me feel like a good mom. He was a great guy. 

I know he is in the presence of Christ and that I will join him someday. Until then, I have work to do here, work that God prepared in advance for me to do. 

If you are just starting your own grief journey, take heart! Trust God. Do the next right thing and it will get better. You can find peace and joy again. 

—-

*I did use a sleep aid for six months on the advice of my doctor who knows and loves me well. It helped me get the rest I needed to do the hard work. So don’t take that as a recommendation to avoid all medication or as condemnation if you need medical help getting through your grief. I am referring to drinking in excess or using drugs other than as prescribed. 

Do not fear

Another meme that has a different meaning for us who have lost a child, parent, or spouse.

I am not unaware of the bad things that can happen. I know that bad things happen. People die! People I love! I know cancer, car wrecks, heart attacks, and murder happen every day. Death happens. I know it could happen again to someone I love.
And yet, I have stopped being afraid. I am no longer afraid of what could go wrong. 

I have lived through the death of my son. My Lord was with me every step of this journey. He has been my refuge and my strength. He is my help in times of trouble. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me. I know that He is sovereign and nothing will befall me that has not gone through His loving hands first! 

You don’t believe that? Satan had to get His permission to test Job! He had to obey the limits set for him by God.

From my study of scripture, I see that our Heavenly Father spoke the world into being! He speaks and even the winds obey Him. 

He has a plan for each of us, a plan I don’t always like or understand. I don’t understand why certain trials are chosen for me or you. But I do know that we are promised rewards if we persevere through those trials, just as Job was. And I know that everything that flows from Him is full of love because He IS love! 

Because I know that He is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love, I can focus of the good things in my life. Good people. Good friends. Good ice cream! I can look around and see beauty everywhere! In my yard and huge spider in its web on my porch. In the mountains of Tennessee where my grandchildren live. In the desert we drove through last summer. In the heat of north Texas where I ride bikes with my friends. 

This week I attended a funeral for a friend who lost her battle with addiction, but who I am sure is in the presence of Christ because of her love for Him and belief in Him. The next day I saw another dear friend for whom I have been praying. Her marriage was struggling because of her husband’s addiction. She told me he had gone to treatment and has been sober for 90 days! Glory be to God!

Yes, he could go back out. Yes, one of my other kids could die before I do. Yes, my sweet stepmom might die this week or ten years. Yes, cancer will take some of my friends in the next few months unless they get a miracle.

But today I choose to rejoice that Carolyn is with Christ. I rejoice for my friend’s marriage and her husband’s sobriety. I rejoice that I got to spend time with Golda. I rejoice that I can live and breathe and move! I even rejoice for my stupid, snoring black pug who poops on the floor and loves to take naps with me. 

Today, just for today, if you are struggling with fear and anxiety, try focusing on the good things in your life rather than giving into the fear. 

He Soars

For us who have lost a child, this has a whole different meaning. No, our children did not choose to leave us. They were not “comfortable enough to leave us”, but they are gone. 

Even those who died at their own hand; they were not choosing to leave us but to leave the pain from which they suffered.

Our children were never really ours. We were trusted with them for a little while. We did our best, with the tools we had, to love them for the time we had. Now they soar! 

My son is a child of the King! A joint heir with Christ! He is worshipping God our Heavenly Father Face to Face! He is not an angel, he is a son and heir of God. He is in His presence. 

And he now soars! 

Not in the way I wanted. God’s ways are not my ways, but they are perfect, good, and full of love because He IS love!

I choose to trust Him.

My Life 

In a grief group, a gal asked if this life without our child seems to have become normal. Here is my answer:

Yes. This is my life. I’ve changed so much since The Accident!

I have become a writer. I just received my contract to write a book for a major publisher this weekend. This is something I never would have dreamed of doing before!

Some of our kids made major changes in their lives as a direct result of their brother’s death. We also have two new grandchildren.

We changed churches and are now empty-nesters who travel more than half the time.

I’ve been asked to share at a local The Compassionate Friends chapter. In those early days, I never dreamed I’d be helping others heal in grief.
So much has changed in the past three years. Many of the changes are closely related to losing our son. But this is now my life. My life without Andrew. And it is a good life.

I wish he had not died. I miss him dearly. I’d love for him to see what our lives are like now. But that is not to be.

I enjoy my life. I have joy and peace. It’s not at all what I had imagined just a few years ago. But it is a good life, a life punctuated by grief and healing, but not defined by either.

It took work to get here. Lots of work. 

It took lots of study time spent in The Word before and after The Accident.

It took tears and pain and help from friends.

It took making the choice to not drink away the pain when that was exactly what I wanted to do. It took going to some AA meetings with friends to keep from going to that dark pit.

It took counseling and driving six hours to attend While We’re Waiting support group meetings. It took attending a WWW Parents Weekend.

It took listening to my husband when he wanted to talk without judging if he was doing it right.

It took listening to the Holy Spirit even when that hurt.

It took choosing to get up in the morning and get dressed. It took going outside, to the grocery store, and the dry cleaners. It took going to the dentist and calling repair men to fix stuff around me house. It took balancing my checkbook and celebrating the birth of a new grand baby. It took going to church and crying through each and every song.

In short, it took faith, prayer, knowing God’s Word, and doing the next right thing. 

I still have difficulty praying. I usually pray scripture as that is “safe”. I am closer to God in many ways because I rethought much of my theology.

Little things aren’t worth getting upset over. I have more peace now than I did before. I know I can handle anything with God’s help because I’ve made it through the loss of my son.

Yes, this life has become my life. It’s a good life. It took work to get here. It took work and doing the next right thing and friends and God. I’m grateful for all of them.

Guest Post – Back to Basics

From a fellow bereaved parent: Roger Holmack, used with his permission.

From my journal 

Back to the Basics

Back in the day when I use to play baseball, when we’d get bad after many weeks from playing very good, the coach would yell, “back to the basics.” So instead of practicing double plays, squeeze plays, long throws from outfield, relay throws and home run hitting, we’d be out throwing ball back and forth to each other. Nothing fancy, just throw the ball back and forth, back and forth. Ok, let’s run to first base, again and again. Ok, let’s slide feet first…ok keep doing that. Now, hands first…keeping going. Batting practice, just hit the ball. The point is: we had gotten sloppy so it’s time to get back to the basics of playing ball. We had been over run with trying all the fancy plays we had forgotten how to play ball.

You’ve forgotten God? Hate God? Your anger burns bright at God? You’ve stopped going to church? You’ve lost your faith? You prayed every day for protection for your child. You took your family to church every week. Your family prayed together, you ate together, sang together and worshipped God together. Now you’ve lost your child you can’t get back because you’re angry, jealous, hateful and maybe envious of others who didn’t lose their child. Can’t back to what you had before and don’t want to. Well, it’s time to get back to the basics.

Look at Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 

Solution: John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 

Why do you do you need to back to the basics? Because you’ve lost your game. Your life has totally changed. Everything that once was,… is now gone. You’re whole perspective has been turned upside-down. It’s time to go to the basics. Time forget about God’s plan, God’s will, justification, sanctification, the end times and the sermon on the mount. All those little details, forget them. Start over. There is only one way to God, thru Christ Jesus, plane and simple. We’re do you start? From the basics.

Galatians Lesson Five

Many of us struggle with the sovereignty of God regarding our child’s death. I just finished an intensive study of Galatians. During one of the lectures, the leader spoke the following:

“If you separate predestination from love, you have a strange god.” David Arthur.

—–

Yes! The God of the bible is compassionate, gracious, merciful, and kind. He IS love. If you try to separate love from predestination, you are looking at a different god.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. IN LOVE he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:3-6 | NIV

He chose us in Christ because of His love for us. He predestined us to be adopted as sons because of His love for us.

I believe He is love and He acts out of His nature of love at all times, even when He allowed my son to die.

Yes, you read that correctly — I believe God acted out of His nature of LOVE even when He allowed my son to die. I don’t understand it and I don’t like that my son is dead. But I believe that God always acts out of LOVE.

Note: my son is not dead. He is no longer here on earth. His body is buried but he is in the presence of Christ.

Lesson from James

In May, I studied the book of James at Precept in an intensive study. Eleven weeks in eleven days.

The thing that stuck out to me:

James wasn’t a believer until after Jesus died. He thought his half brother was dead! He knew grief.

He wrote to “The twelve tribes scattered…” These people may have been those who scattered because of persecution – Stephen’s stoning began the scattering. If so, they’d lost a leader in their church, their homes, their livelihood, and much more! These people knew grief!

He mentioned widows and orphans in chapter one. Again, they knew grief!

A man who knew grief, writing to those who knew grief. And yet he tells them to consider it pure joy whenever you face trails of many kinds…don’t judge others….care for others…be doers of the word…tame your tongue…don’t slander others…give to those in need…and blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because, when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life, which God promised to those who love Him. 

Wow! How am I doing in my own grief journey?

Am I persevering under trial?

Are you?

Multiple Choice Quiz

I shared my brokenness with someone who loves me last night. They failed this quiz. 

I was able to calmly tell them they failed and that I needed a different answer. I told him I needed him to listen to me, to hear me and validate my suffering rather than trying to fix it. 

In helping him understand what I needed – rather than just getting angry and bitter and isolating myself even more – I was able to help myself. 

I gave him a chance to try again. He gave a wonderful answer on his second try. Then held me while I cried.

——-

Multiple choice quiz:

When someone you care about tells you they are beaten, wounded, and hurting. When they bare their wounds and share with you how they feel, even when they tell you that you are the one that hurt them, your answer should be….

A. Yep. I know. I feel that way, too. Just last week…(followed by a story of you own pain. Ignoring their vulnerability.)

B. Wow! I didn’t know you felt that way. (Followed by silence.)

C. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are hurting. I’m sorry that person hurt you so badly. I care about you and your pain.

D. You know you really shouldn’t be this sensitive about this.  I’m sure you had something to do with the situation. Shouldn’t you be over this yet?

E. A Christian platitude like “Have you prayed about it?” or “Just lay it at the cross”. Add a scripture such as Romans 8:28.

F. If you are the one who hurt them…I am sorry. I was wrong. I should have acted differently. I’d like to try again and do better this time. Will you forgive me?

Yep, I’ve done most of the above. My suffering has helped me learn that C and F are the correct answers. As the old saying goes: “Experience is the best teacher. A fool learns no other way.”

I’ve been a fool. Now I am trying to do better.

Am I Normal?

This is how I felt that first year.



Over time, and by doing the next right thing, I am better now. My faith in Jesus Christ, prayer, and patience with myself have helped me. The pain is less and easier to bear.

The days of sadness and sobbing are fewer and farther between. I have lots of joyful days.

Sunny days and rainy days both can be of comfort to me now. I still love to read or take naps on rainy days. I love getting outside to walk, bike, or work in my yard on sunny days.

I am able to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. The complaints of other don’t seem so petty; I have more compassion for hurting people.

Small things don’t send me into a rage or depression any more. I seem to have more grace for those who say stupid or hurtful things. I am able to overlook slights.

I still forget things unless I write them down.

I still have days when I miss my son so bad it hurts all over. But even the “missing” has changed to be more joy in the memories and hope for the future when I will join him in the presence of Christ.

For those of you still early in your journey, be patient with yourself. It takes time for a physical wound to heal. The same is true for our broken hearts. 

Does Time Heal?

Platitude: Time heals all wounds.

Is this true? Does time heal our grief?

No. Time alone doesn’t heal, but, with God’s help, time spent doing the next right thing does help.

What is “the next right thing”? It changes. In those early days, the next right thing may be to spend time alone sobbing, making funeral arrangements, or helping our spouse and children accept their loss. Later, the next right thing may be going to church, grocery shopping, or attending a social function. Recently, I’ve had times when the next right thing was to mow ten acres, take a nap, and even pull over on the side of the road to sob. Many times the next right thing for me is to enjoy life, worship with joy, and laugh with my husband.

As for time…I agree that time helps us heal.

As we move further from our loved one’s date of death and all that happened in the time leading up to it, plus all that happened in the subsequent weeks and months, we gain perspective.

We see that we can survive. We see that the pain of loss gets a bit easier to bear over time.

And, for me at least, as time passed, I looked back to see the beautiful things God had done in the midst of my grief.

In the time since The Accident, I have seen young people change their behavior regarding alcohol and driving. I have seen many come to life in Christ.

I have seen a friend’s family restored after they realized their disagreements were petty compared to what could happen in an instant, compared to what it would be like to see their adult child die.

I’ve seen my own relationship with Christ move to a new, deeper level during the time since The Accident.

God promises to continue the work He began in our loved ones and in us. He says He will carry that work on to completion until the Day of Christ Jesus. We begin to see evidence of that over time. And as we look to God for help and healing, as we do the next right thing…in time, we can find healing in Christ.

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